Sometimes, I am almost positive that it's too late. I don't have anything that constitutes for any sort of "straight" relationship. I have the best friends in the world who I love almost too much. I have a disturbingly deep understanding for homosexuality. People say they love the hell out of me, and if they weren't gay, they'd love me even more, or if I weren't straight, they'd do the same. It's really just a strange sensation, being twenty-three and chronically single, but with harems of boys surrounding me. And even if it weren't this way, I just think I'd be too awkward for anyone to even be interested in, romatically at least. I am an awkward person. I was looking at some pictures of me in a group setting just now that some newish friend posted on a journal. All those people are straight. And they creep me out. I mean, the guy I have a strange and of course hopeless facination with, but he's creepy in that he's awkwardly straight, and his best friend is awkwardly straight and we have absolutely nothing to talk about. He's kind of like a foreign animal to me, and he and his friend's (who is a girl) relationship is weird to me too. I just feel accepted and accepting with my gay friends, whereas I feel weird around others. I don't know if anyone else could even fathom this...because it's something that I feel is wrong with me. I'm twenty-three, I should be able to have something with someone who is heterosexual, right? But I can't get passed the bigotry and naivete of a lot of straight men; it is bothersome. I think that possibly, my purpose here in this world has nothing to do with myself or having anything or anyone for myself; my purpose is specifically and significantly to bring out the best in others and help people cope with their sexuality. I can only believe that. Everywhere I go, I am pursued by homosexuals. They are drawn to me, it seems, and although it does not bother me and I love my friends, it is disturbing in a sense, to others who do not understand. And it drives away...straight men. But I don't know. I can't not do this. It's like they need me for something.
Writing this is like pulling teeth for me because I don't like to admit that my position and my purpose in life is this. But it seems to be. Maybe things will change. But I can't see that happening right now. On the upside to all of this, it's nice being loved by so many young men for being myself. Because honestly, people don't usually love each other initially because of whole selves...and I get that. And it's nice.