Working Things Out In My Head:
I should really work these things out in my head but sometimes things are just easier to do when you write them out. I'm never sure where my life is heading. It's just one of those things, I guess...I never know where I'm going to be the next year, and it's been like this for...about five years. I like it. I like the fact that I can pick up and leave...ish. Things are getting harder now, I think. When I move back to the USA, I think my life will be a bit more difficult because of my responsibilities including student loans. Life is simple and easy here for me and France is good. I just miss being in the United States. I think that part of the ease here is the fact that I am almost invisable. I speak the language but because I'm not French, I have a bit of an invisibility here. People just don't see me all the time. It's kinda like a super power.
Being here a long time also made me think a lot about several things. I don't love love children by any means, but being here around families who seem to be working correctly makes me feel a lot like maybe I should think about one day having kids of my own. Having kids would totally give an excuse to mold young minds into real people instead of having "real" people consist right now of reality television, music videos and commercial bullshit. Because all of that commercial humanity makes me the fake one...so maybe I can raise some fake kids? I don't know. I'm way ahead of myself here, anyways, I don't even know anybody. I find it to be really sad, though. I feel like perhaps, being fake, I lack the skills of finding somebody real. I actually had someone tell me that I had to sell myself and act like I'm looking for the wrong attention to somehow attract the RIGHT attention...which really makes no sense to me. So I don't know, maybe I am living in a fantasy world full of literature, art, internet, celebrity chefs, cooking, French, journals, animals and gay people and I really need to live in the world of money, commercialism, fast food restaurants, sex, trends and reality television shows. But I don't want to. And that depresses me sometimes, incredibly, because I don't want what other people want, and that makes me this little fake girl who nobody really seems to want that much when it comes to heterosexual intimate relationships...but maybe not. Maybe I just need to try harder? To...not attract the wrong attention. To stop thinking about that one particular person who is forever on my mind...because I had to go away to another country, it would not have worked out...so I never said anything to you, and now I miss you and you'll never know that. To not attract all of those queer boys who want to be my friend or just want to be ME? And to please please stop letting everything that comes into my head to somehow slip out of my mouth!
I also need to stop wasting my artistic talent. I think I am doing just that. I think out of maybe laziness or lack of funds and place, I just don't do artwork. But I don't like it like that. I mean I do it...but it's not going anywhere. I try to sell it. But it's not working out. I don't want to be a starving artist, by any means, which is why I always have to work, which always stifles my ability.
Same with writing. I just don't do it. I haven't done anything of purpose for let's say a whole year! I mean I worked very hard for about two weeks on a personal study of the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona...and Gertrude Stein...and Hemmingway...but really, how the hell am I supposed to tie those three together?? Cubism in poetry, art and architechture and the lost generation=Sagrada Familia? I don't think so...maybe...I mean it's quite possible, really. It is the same generation, the same art, the same genre of literature, the same lost generation. So maybe I just want to focus on the artistic value of the Lost Generation in Europe between the two world wars...that is a whole graduate career right there, if you ask me. But what does this all mean?
Generally, this whole whatever it is that I just typed up is an outpour of everything that's been on my mind. What do I do? Where do I go? Should I even worry about it? When I go home, do I tell him that all I can do is think about him (even if really, I never knew him probably)? Do people take those kinds of risks when they're lonely and they are sure that the second party would recipricate? Do I apply for graduate school or wait on Creative Loafing (which would be an awesome career move)? Shall I go back to waiting tables? Will I be moving in with my friends? Do I need a break from Midtown? Should I just start taking other people's advice and sell myself like a little desprate monkey or should I maintain how I am, the way I like it, and just be? I already know the answer to the latter...it's just that I would fit in better with regular society if I gave in...but I'm not going to do that, that would be stupid. And perhapse stagnant. Will life ever really be worthwhile?
I don't know the answers to about 3/4 of these questions. I guess 2007 will allow me to find out; I may be nervous about this whole year, but really, I think it's going to be good...maybe.
I should really work these things out in my head but sometimes things are just easier to do when you write them out. I'm never sure where my life is heading. It's just one of those things, I guess...I never know where I'm going to be the next year, and it's been like this for...about five years. I like it. I like the fact that I can pick up and leave...ish. Things are getting harder now, I think. When I move back to the USA, I think my life will be a bit more difficult because of my responsibilities including student loans. Life is simple and easy here for me and France is good. I just miss being in the United States. I think that part of the ease here is the fact that I am almost invisable. I speak the language but because I'm not French, I have a bit of an invisibility here. People just don't see me all the time. It's kinda like a super power.
Being here a long time also made me think a lot about several things. I don't love love children by any means, but being here around families who seem to be working correctly makes me feel a lot like maybe I should think about one day having kids of my own. Having kids would totally give an excuse to mold young minds into real people instead of having "real" people consist right now of reality television, music videos and commercial bullshit. Because all of that commercial humanity makes me the fake one...so maybe I can raise some fake kids? I don't know. I'm way ahead of myself here, anyways, I don't even know anybody. I find it to be really sad, though. I feel like perhaps, being fake, I lack the skills of finding somebody real. I actually had someone tell me that I had to sell myself and act like I'm looking for the wrong attention to somehow attract the RIGHT attention...which really makes no sense to me. So I don't know, maybe I am living in a fantasy world full of literature, art, internet, celebrity chefs, cooking, French, journals, animals and gay people and I really need to live in the world of money, commercialism, fast food restaurants, sex, trends and reality television shows. But I don't want to. And that depresses me sometimes, incredibly, because I don't want what other people want, and that makes me this little fake girl who nobody really seems to want that much when it comes to heterosexual intimate relationships...but maybe not. Maybe I just need to try harder? To...not attract the wrong attention. To stop thinking about that one particular person who is forever on my mind...because I had to go away to another country, it would not have worked out...so I never said anything to you, and now I miss you and you'll never know that. To not attract all of those queer boys who want to be my friend or just want to be ME? And to please please stop letting everything that comes into my head to somehow slip out of my mouth!
I also need to stop wasting my artistic talent. I think I am doing just that. I think out of maybe laziness or lack of funds and place, I just don't do artwork. But I don't like it like that. I mean I do it...but it's not going anywhere. I try to sell it. But it's not working out. I don't want to be a starving artist, by any means, which is why I always have to work, which always stifles my ability.
Same with writing. I just don't do it. I haven't done anything of purpose for let's say a whole year! I mean I worked very hard for about two weeks on a personal study of the Sagrada Familia church in Barcelona...and Gertrude Stein...and Hemmingway...but really, how the hell am I supposed to tie those three together?? Cubism in poetry, art and architechture and the lost generation=Sagrada Familia? I don't think so...maybe...I mean it's quite possible, really. It is the same generation, the same art, the same genre of literature, the same lost generation. So maybe I just want to focus on the artistic value of the Lost Generation in Europe between the two world wars...that is a whole graduate career right there, if you ask me. But what does this all mean?
Generally, this whole whatever it is that I just typed up is an outpour of everything that's been on my mind. What do I do? Where do I go? Should I even worry about it? When I go home, do I tell him that all I can do is think about him (even if really, I never knew him probably)? Do people take those kinds of risks when they're lonely and they are sure that the second party would recipricate? Do I apply for graduate school or wait on Creative Loafing (which would be an awesome career move)? Shall I go back to waiting tables? Will I be moving in with my friends? Do I need a break from Midtown? Should I just start taking other people's advice and sell myself like a little desprate monkey or should I maintain how I am, the way I like it, and just be? I already know the answer to the latter...it's just that I would fit in better with regular society if I gave in...but I'm not going to do that, that would be stupid. And perhapse stagnant. Will life ever really be worthwhile?
I don't know the answers to about 3/4 of these questions. I guess 2007 will allow me to find out; I may be nervous about this whole year, but really, I think it's going to be good...maybe.
posted by Anisa @ 1:50 AM
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